


Destined for Desolation

by sagwalli



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV First Person, References to Depression, Seulrene, Sexuality Crisis, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-07-18 02:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16108622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagwalli/pseuds/sagwalli
Summary: The worst feeling is falling for someone and knowing they won't be there to catch you, especially when they are your straight, best friend who doesn't know you're in the closet. You've just never bothered to tell her.And it hurts every day.*Seulgi first person POV story*"You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot."- John Green





	1. Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this fic was just an outlet for me to express some things I've been feeling lately. I decided to post it, and if people like it, I will continue to make it public. I haven't exactly decided what to do as far as an ending so we will see where my inspiration takes me.
> 
> Please take care of me :3
> 
> Tumblr and Twitter: @sagwalli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi's stuck in unrequited love.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

When I move my hand to cover my eyes, protecting them from the light streaming through my windows, I hear the telltale pop in my shoulder. My body still hasn't recovered from being overworked day after day. But there's nothing else I can do except throw myself into my work. There's nothing else left for me. I don't know how to take my mind off things.

Off her.

When I look at her, everything stops. Everything freezes. From the tips of my toes to the top of my head, everything tingles. There's a prickling sensation tickling at the nape of my neck. My skin crawls but in a good way. I _think_ it's a good way, anyway. I don't think my mouth ever seems to work properly when I see her. Whenever she walks by, my brain is on pause, but I don't know how to press play. Sometimes, I press play without even realizing it. I don't even want to know what I've been saying while out of it. Probably something dumb. She's really pretty, you know. I don't think I've ever seen someone more beautiful in my life. Looking at her makes everything seem just a little brighter as if the world is happier with her in it. She makes everything better. She makes me better. She doesn't know that I guess, but that doesn't matter.

It's not like she'll notice me anyway.

Whenever I think about her, there's a tug at my heart. A pull. I feel my feet lift off the ground and I float in her direction before stopping, an invisible barrier blocking my way. I can reach out and tap the wall, which ripples across and reminds me of my place. There's no chance. No way. I don't even know why I ever entertain these thoughts, these fantasies. She'll never be mine. 

All I can do is cry at the loss of my heart and regret how I've wrapped it up and sent it as a present to someone who will never receive it. Not willingly. She wouldn't even give it a second glance. After all, what can you expect from a straight girl? What can you expect her to think? I'm sure I could tell her I love her and still get a nice friendly pat on the back alongside a signature smile.

Man, that smile. Lights up the entire room.

My body feels hot when she gets too close. I make up excuses all the time. I feel myself burn up when she touches me on accident, a graze on my elbow or an accidental game of footsie under the table. After all this time, she still thinks my leg is the table and runs her foot up my calf or taps her toes against mine. When she leans back into me, I feel content. My cheeks get warm, but my insides feel warmer. I feel nice and full, like my life is complete, except it isn't, because she isn't mine. So when she leans back into me, and I look down at her angelic face, my body stays warm, but my mind turns blank. My heart feels achy, and I know when I go home I'll need to piece it back together again. 

Every day, every night, I stitch my heart back up. I sew it back together and glue the rest in place. Time after time, day after day. It's never the same. I can never get it quite right. I know that the day I can feel what it's like to be loved, my heart will return to its original, unbroken form.

Those were the days.

Innocence. Naivety.

Sometimes I wish I never knew what love was, but then I'd never get to feel what it's like when my heart swells just by looking at her. Sometimes that's enough. Just looking at her. She's so beautiful.

She's a gift, bestowed by God, but not to me. I don't know what I'll do when I meet who she's meant for. I guess I'll meet him someday.

Ugh. If I say that out loud it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

_Him._

It's far-fetched enough to hope someone like her would love me back, but her being straight? The ultimate kicker. 

It's a cruel twist of fate, being destined to love someone who can never love you back. She'll never even try. Why would she?

I trudge to the bathroom to splash some water on my face, hoping to awaken from this neverending nightmare. Instead, cold water clings to my lashes and drips down my face. A drop lands on my oversized shirt, but that will dry in no time. As I brush my teeth, my thoughts drift again back to her. I think of her laugh, her infectious laugh. It shakes her whole body and shakes mine too. I can't help but laugh along with her every time. I don't care if it's not funny. Seeing her happy makes me happy, and her laugh makes me want to laugh. Maybe I just don't want to be left out.

If I can't have her heart, maybe I can have her happiness. Just a sliver.

I want to know what it feels like.

When I crack a joke, making her crack a smile, everything is better. I gain the strength to continue this fruitless pursuit, to let myself be broken one more time when she looks the other direction, failing to see the stars in my eyes the way I see them in hers.

Maybe, just maybe, she does see them. Maybe she sees the way I look at her. I wonder if our friends do.

Even if she noticed, I know she wouldn't say. She wouldn't know what to do. Feelings are a foreign realm for her, at least when it comes to talking about certain things. My type of feelings would definitely be one of those certain things. She's never even had her first kiss before, so has she had a first love?

I spit the gritty toothpaste from my mouth. The water flows from the faucet and the toothpaste disappears, a thin residue of slime left behind. I'll clean it up later, but I have other things to do. Not really. I drag myself back towards the bed and flop down, hugging my blankets close.

I feel so cold. I haven't seen her for a day. One whole day.

That doesn't seem like long. I know. But when it comes to love, it seems like an eternity.

That's right. I love her.

I haven't spoken to her or seen her for so long, and I need to. I need her.

I sigh into my pillow and silence the alarm before it can blare in my ears. I want nothing more than to sink back into my mattress and dream because in my dreams, anything can happen. That isn't to say that what I want to happen actually does happen, but sometimes it's close. Then, I'll wake up revitalized, with a newfound energy that she's given me, even though she doesn't know that. She's like a drug I can't quit. So addicting, and I need rehab. When I take a hit, I never want to stop, and I can't think straight. When my mind says no, my body says yes, and my heart just pounds. It pounds so hard. 

Too hard.

I feel like the pulsating muscle will burst from my chest and explode in midair, a rain of red sprinkling down and coating all my surroundings. Everything unsaid will pour out, small explosives destined to destroy my world and knock it off its axis. That's how much power lays in what's unsaid.

Could you imagine if I confessed? Me, Kang Seulgi? Confess to Bae Joohyun?

No way. Social suicide.

Friendship suicide.

She's too important to me, you see. If it takes an eon of hurting just to remain by her side, so be it. I don't care if I shatter into a million shards of fragile, heartbroken glass every time she tells me about someone new in her life. I'll deal with it. I just need to be with her, somehow. If that's friendship, then I'll take it. 

Anything is better than being separated from her. 

I can't bear to think about a life without her. Bae Joohyun. 

She's a popular girl around school. Everybody loves her. If I were to confess, my words would fall short into the already enormous pile of rejections that land at her feet. She collects them throughout the day and heads home before tucking them away to never see the sun again. Everyone wants a piece of her. I'd be a fool to think I'd ever get the whole thing.

And I am a fool.

I'm a fool for hoping. I'm a fool for feeling this way. I'm a fool for letting myself become so entrenched in the trap that is Joohyun. 

Quicksand.

Struggle, and you sink faster. Stop, and you still sink.

She pulls you in and never lets go.

Do I even want her to?

That's her power. When we walk down the halls, numerous pairs of eyes turn her way. She's so stunning, the way she walks and demands the attention of anyone around her. She's got this sort of charisma, this sort of charm, and she places a spell on anyone who dares to lay eyes on her. One glance is all it takes. You'll look a second time. They always do.

It's been three years with Bae Joohyun. It's been three years of pining after something I can never have. It's not even just out of reach. It's so far out of reach that I couldn't grab it if I traveled through hyperspace faster than the speed of light to whisk it out of the air a miillion miles away.

I don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve this sad life. I spend every minute consumed by my thoughts of her. She's all I ever think of.

When I go out and she's not there, I just imagine what it would be like if she was. I think about what if we went to a movie and our fingers intertwined, a light squeeze here and there for reassurance, to know it's real. It's definitely not. I'll be at a party, music pumping through my veins, and imagine Joohyun next to me, laughing into my shoulder because it's me she wants to cling to. Not some boy. When I go to a dance, I imagine what it would be like for her to dance alongside me, our sweaty bodies pressed up against each other with lips ghosting over pale skin. 

Her skin is so fair, so beautiful. I wonder what it's like to just wrap my arms around her and never let go because I don't know when I'll get to hold her again. I want to know what it's like, I really do, to run my fingers along her skin. It looks so smooth, like perfect porcelain.

I want to know what it's like to kiss those lips. 

Those lips look so soft and pillowy. I bet if those lips taste heavenly and feel softer than cotton candy. Cotton candy is good. I wonder if she'd like it if when I kissed her, I ran my fingers through her hair and touched her back. Do you think she'd be into that? I want to press her up against a wall and hear her breath catch in her throat, just for me. Oh, how I wish I could.

Except, I can't, and I never will. It's all just a fantasy. The only thing that's true is how dumb I am and sound when I see her. I really do freeze up. That's the closest thing I'll ever get to love. Requited love, that is. For now, I'll just have to live in my thoughts. Not that it's a bad place or anything, but I just really wish that someday, one day, I'll be able to have a happy ending of my own.

I'm stuck in unrequited love.

I do get to run my fingers through her hair and feel her in my arms, but it's different. I have felt her lips on my cheek, and my neck. I have touched her bare skin. It's so smooth.

But when I touch it, there's no spark. When I hold her, there's no warmth. Not that kind of warmth.

I wish that when I touched her, held her, the warmth I wish for would reach my fingertips and shoot across my body. I wish she knew the way I felt, but only if she felt the same. She's all I want. All the time, I imagine what it'd be like to taste her. Feel her.

There's so much I want to know.

I want to know what it's like for my hands to run over her body and touch every inch of her. I want to know what it's like to explore the maze that is Joohyun, to love her and cherish her. To let her know she's cherished. I want to hear her say my name, scream it, and moan against me wanting to go at it again and again because she's mine. I look at her and want to reach a hand out to brush the hair from her face, tucking the loose strands behind one delicate ear, a shy smile given to me in return. I imagine how shy she'd look when my hands touch her in a way they're not supposed to. I imagine how she'd take my hands and  _make_  me touch her in a way they're not supposed to. 

Dominant Joohyun. I know she has it in her. She knows what she wants.

And that makes it so much harder. She knows what she wants, and it isn't me. It never will be.

It will never be me who gets to whisper against the tip of her ear, letting her know what I feel. It will never be me whose hands run up her exposed back, whose teeth nip at her collarbone. I won't be me. But I still so desperately want it to be.

In a way, that's kind of sad. I'm like a lost puppy. A fucking pitiful puppy, following her around obediently, always at her beck and call, waiting to do her bidding. With her kindness and generosity, she'd never misuse me or mistreat me, her loyal, lovesick loser of a friend. It's just not in her to do so. So when she asks me nicely to bring her that textbook, to lend her that pencil or get that snack, I do it. I can't say no.

Trust me, I've tried. It just doesn't work.

I don't try saying no because I don't want to do things for her. No, not at all. That's not the case. She's amazing and crush or not, I would do nice things out of friendship. I try saying no just to show myself that I have some sort of self-control and restraint when it comes to the temptation of irresistible Joohyun. Of course, I fail. 

Is it really so bad to want to know what it's like to hold her in my arms and tell her how much she means to me? To tell her that my life is better with her in it?

This is what I get for falling in love with one of my best friends.

Nothing good will come of it. That's for sure.

I swing my legs back over the side of my bed and shuffle about my mess of a room. I've been too preoccupied to bother cleaning it up, so it's no wonder that it takes me another fifteen minutes to find, surprise, another oversized shirt. It's a lazy day, and I'll dress appropriately. My sweatpants, luckily, aren't so elusive and are instead strewn on the floor by the door. As I pull the pair of pants on, one leg at a time, I can't help but wonder how content I would feel to watch Joohyun getting ready in the morning, a messy bun sitting on top of her head, lazily put up after being tangled up in my fingers the night before. I know she looks beautiful wearing anything, even just sweats, and a t-shirt. I've seen it when I've slept over at her house, or her at mine, the countless times that we have. She looks so pretty doing the most mundane of tasks, whether she's opening a door or just bending down to pick up a fallen pencil. 

It's already past noon when I check the time again. Good thing it's just a Saturday. I have all the time in the world. 

Or at least, I think I do.

"Kang Seulgi-ah," says Joohyun from the other end of the telephone line. "Did you forget already?"

"Forget what?" I ask, kicking some dirty clothes into the corner of my room.

I pull on some socks as she answers, "Forget  _what_? We are hanging out today, that's what, silly bear!"

My face warms when she calls me that. Silly bear. Her bear. "I'm sorry, Hyun. It must've slipped my mind."

"Aish, you really forgot? I thought you loved me enough to remember such things."

_I do love you. More than you'll ever know._

"Ah, Hyun, you know I love you." Friend love you. 

"Oh, okay, Seul. I forgive you." I can practically hear the pout wipe itself from her unblemished face. "I'm almost at your house."

"My house?"

"You really forgot everything," exclaims Joohyun. "I'm just coming over to hang out at your house, remember? It's been a long time since we've just spent time at one of our houses, and we decided to spend today at yours."

Fuck. I don't remember agreeing to that. This is a mistake.

My room is a damn mess, and my heart's about to internally bleed its millions of feelings into the rest of my body until I spontaneously combust. There's no time to clean up.

"We can go into the guest room," I say. I'm still dressed in stupid sweatpants and a shirt. I think I look okay. Not too horrid.

"Guest room?" Joohyun asks, amused. 

"My actual room looks like a garbage truck made it its bitch," I explain, pushing open the door as Joohyun chuckles. "So unless you fancy rolling around in a pile of trash, please make yourself comfortable here instead."

Joohyun has already thrown herself onto the bed. Her hair is up in a messy bun, and she wears a long coat. I forgot the leaves have already begun to turn and fall to the ground in shades of yellow and red and orange. She slides the coat off, and I take it from her, placing it on a chair. She smiles gratefully and pats the bed beside her. I hesitate before stepping cautiously forward, drawing laughter.

"Scared of me, Seul?" Joohyun jokes.

"Not at all, Hyun," I say back.

I'm not scared of her. I'm scared of what I'll do to her.

There's a whole lot I want to do.

"Then come on," urges Joohyun, who pats the bed with more vigor than before.

When I sit down, she wraps her arms around my waist to give me a hug. I don't know if she can feel it, but my muscles tighten like iron coils. I'm so tense.

"Seulgi-ah," says Joohyun after a minute. "Will you hold me?"

"Hold you?"

"Yes, silly. Hold me."

"What do you mean?"

"Do I have to spell  _everything_  out for you, my silly bear?" Irene pushes me lightly onto my back, and my heart is racing from the smallest touch. "It's been a long time since we've cuddled." She makes sure I'm comfortable before making me absolutely _un_ comfortable by resting her head on my chest, one arm draped over my torso. Her other arm is folded up against my side.

I wonder if she can hear my heart beating. It sounds like an entire marching band drumline in there. It's an absolute ruckus. Is she deaf?

I can't tell, but I think she closes her eyes. Ha! I wake up to hang out with her just for her to fall asleep. Great.

And it is kind of great.

I feel so at ease, having her in my arms. She's so warm. My heartbeat slows and relaxes, the love of my life cuddled up against me. She snuffles lightly, a sign that she truly has fallen asleep. I take a hand and rub her shoulder, pressing her close against me. She sighs and doesn't say anything.

As I feel her chest rise and fall against me, I think about how caring she is. She makes sure I'm okay, makes sure everyone is okay, but at the same time, I don't know her true feelings. I never know her true intentions, even if I think I do. She is an elusive fox who darts out of your grasp, smacking you across the face with the whip of a tail to let you know who is boss. She's someone who will come through when needed but will never spell anything out for you. It's all up to interpretation.

 Oh, is that a disgusted look? Grateful look? Hateful look? I don't know.

I can't even tell if she likes me half the time, but then she goes and does something like this. Falling asleep on me and wanting to cuddle. She has asked me to cuddle her, but other times, she's so reserved about things. I can never know what's truly going on in that heart of hers, even though I'd die a thousand deaths to be able to. Just one peek.

If I pry enough, sometimes she'll speak about what's on her mind. She'll tell me some of her thoughts and lay 0.00001% of the burden she carries on my shoulders, not trusting me (or trusting herself) enough to give me more. Who knows why. I'm here for her, even if she doesn't know it. I'd take 100% of her burdens just to see her smile so warmly at me.

I just want to know she loves me. As a friend, of course.

That's all I'll ever get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this first chapter! Please leave comments and let me know what you think :)


	2. Boys Boys Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Joohyun likes someone else. Great.

"Seulgi-ah," Joohyun calls softly. I hear her voice echo down the hallway and it sends shivers down my spine. Bliss.

"Y-yeah?" I sit upright on the couch. I smoothen out my shirt to no avail. It's so wrinkly.

Joohyun wrinkles her nose and picks at the fabric. "You need to let me iron this out for you."

"You're such a homebody."

"Just for you," she says with a smile. My breath catches in my throat.

"Better be," I reply, choosing to look elsewhere, the true meaning behind my words going right over her head. I switch on the TV. It makes for comforting background noise, complementing what no doubt will be some sort of strange conversation with Joohyun. After half an hour of mindless watching, Joohyun speaks.

"Hey, Seul?" Joohyun's puppy dog eyes look into my soul as she makes herself comfortable.

"Yeah?"

"I think I want a boyfriend."

"Mmhm."

"Seriously," she says, adjusting her position on the couch to face me instead of the TV. "I want a boyfriend. A  _real_  boyfriend."

"What," I start to joke, my chest beginning to tighten, "Bo Gum not real enough?"

"Yah!" My remarks have earned me a solid smack. "We were just close friends."

"That's not what everyone else thought."

Her cheeks turn pink as she adamantly says, "Just close friends."

I drop the subject, and I guess I'm a masochist because I ask, "So what kind of boyfriend do you want?"

"Someone tall and strong-" 

_I'm tall and strong._

"-who cares about me-"

_I care about you._

"-and cares about his parents, his family-"

_You're my family._

"-and is athletic, in good shape-"

_You've seen my abs, Hyun. You always comment on them._

"Maybe his abs will be half as good as yours," she teases, pressing a finger against my stomach. _There it is_ .

"If you're lucky" is all I say back, lifting her hand and placing it back in her lap much to her chagrin. I don't need to look at her face to know she's crinkled her nose up disapprovingly.

"I want someone who I can talk to. He should understand me and like me just for me."

And then I realize I don't fit her type. Amazing. She wants someone she can talk to. I'm her best friend, and there are still so many secrets she hides from me.

"I'm sure you'll find someone."

She fiddles with her hands. "I kind of like Sehun..."

"Yeah, and?" I don't understand why she's being so awkward. 

"Uh, I don't know. He's just so handsome and kind."

"Oh-kay, sounds like you like him. Why do you sound so unsure?"

"Well..."

"Come on, spit it out." I know I should be more understanding; I'm her best friend after all. But I can't help it. The words just tumble out of my mouth oozing venom onto the cushions that are worn from years of us sitting here together.

Joohyun flinches, and I notice. Her eyes flit towards the TV screen. "Forget it."

"Hey, hey." I try to soothe her and smooth a thumb over the back of her hand. She doesn't look at me. "I'm sorry, okay? Talk to me."

She reluctantly meets my eyes. She revealed her crush to me and instead of supporting her, I crushed her sentiment between my fingers and blew the dust from my palm into her face with a big puff. I'm despicable. I barely said anything, but that was all it took. I can see how she looks at me, wounded. She doesn't want to talk anymore. This is a side of me she doesn't want to deal with.

"I said forget it." 

"Hyun-"

"Please, Seulgi. Drop it."

A protest dances on the tip of my tongue, like the flame of a candle, before dying just like that. It's the least I can do. My volatile self-control allows me this much.

"Okay."

She turns her attention back to the screen, but she doesn't snuggle back into me. She hugs onto a pillow instead. I wait another half hour or so before speaking.

I say, softly, "I'm sorry."

My outstretched fingers barely touch the sleeve of her shirt before her body jerks from the unexpected sensation.

"Oh," comes my one-word reaction.

"I forgive you."

Her stony-faced expression tells me otherwise. "I know you're lying, Hyun. I can tell." 

_That's one thing I can tell about you. You're not great at hiding emotions. Not these ones._

"Fine. I don't forgive you. Why would you snap at me like that? You know how I get about these kinds of feelings." She stares at her hands, embarrassed. Oh, Hyun. Why are you so cute?

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

"Okay. I forgive you."

And the conversation ends like that. I don't push the whole boyfriend thing, and she doesn't bother bringing it up, so we just sit there, munching on popcorn. I pop a piece into her already open mouth, which makes her smile. She closes her eyes for a brief moment, her cheeks puffed, and exhales. Her breath hits my face.

I know I screwed up. I screwed up bad. I shouldn't have snapped. She's right that I know how she gets about these kinds of feelings. Feelings are hard for her. She holds hers close, reluctant to let someone take hold, even if her heart tells her to. She's protective and shy about love. Even so, I get the feeling that this is different.

Oh Sehun. 

Oh Sehun is a popular boy. Many people like him and his handsome face. He's tall, kind, and easygoing. It's easy to see why Joohyun would fall for someone like him. He's just her type. He plays basketball religiously, swishing hoop after hoop. He's really good. I've seen him play. He used to be one of my neighbors as a child. Him and Joohyun. Back then, he was just a small boy. Just another child on the playground. He was still nice then. I liked him.

I still like him. He's a good guy.

Knowing that one fact makes it so much worse. He's  _good._ He's  _good_  for her. How can I stop her from going to him? If I really love her, then I'll let her go. Or at least I'm supposed to. Except I don't want to. I don't want them to be together. I want her to be happy but I want  _me_  to be her happiness. I want to give her the world, but I can't. Not with him around. Thinking of that makes my skin crawl. I'm afraid of what will happen if she and Sehun begin a relationship. 

Because then what happens to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! I'm sorry if there are errors. I haven't yet proofread, so I might come back to edit and make this story better. I know it's a little rough. Please continue to enjoy the story, and let me know what you think :)


	3. Too Early to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Joohyun in love?

We don't talk about him for a long time after. I guess she doesn't feel comfortable talking about him with me, and I don't blame her. There are better people suited to talking about boys and love and things like that. Still makes my blood boil though. I know she's been talking about him with others, and I think I can guess who, too. The times we hang out after that fateful conversation are filled with meaningless blather, and we both know it. We talk and talk and talk, and I know she just wants to tell me all about him. She wants to let me peek into her heart, something I've wanted for so long, except it doesn't feel right, so she has closed right up. Shut down for business.

Indefinite hiatus.

So the next time we talk about him, a topic we were bound to breach, she twirls a strand of hair around one delicate finger and chews her lip nervously, waiting for the right time to tell me.

"What's on your mind?" I ask casually. I pretend to be clueless for her peace of mind, but maybe I just make her feel worse. Now she has to break the so-called peaceful atmosphere when really I've just gotten better at hiding the tension.

"W-what do you mean?" Joohyun stammers, apparently forgetting that I'm not the only one whose face easily betrays them.

I shrug. "You look nervous."

"Ah..." She nods, purses her lip, and I wish I could hear that sound again, just in a different place. Her bed would be nice.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, there isn't," Joohyun quickly says. 

"You don't tell me if you don't want to." I know she wants to.

"I'm dating Sehun." Her voice trembles, and my stomach drops. Don't be nervous, Hyun. What's there to be nervous about?

"Oh," I say, trying my best to act normally while my insides are burning like the pits of Hell. "How long?"

She takes too long to respond, so I speak again.

"How long have you two been dating?"

"T-two months," she mumbles, almost bowing apologetically. It's kind of pathetic how she feels so sorry. Feelings are feelings, Hyun. They come and go, sometimes for too long. Any blame to come from me is sent to me, gift-wrapped and all to be a nice surprise for later. That's how it always works. I don't know why Joohyun feels the need to wordlessly apologize when she's done nothing wrong. My body feels like she's done everything wrong. But has she  _actually_  done anything wrong? No, she hasn't. Just like the absolute angel she is.

Perfect.

"Wow. That's a long time."

"Um, yeah, I guess." She seems surprised by my response. I can't tell whether it was too bland or too what. I don't get why she's surprised. It's not like I would flip shit or something on her just for dating someone.

"How come you didn't tell me?" I ask the burning question. Curiosity killed the cat.

"I don't know, Seul. I guess I had a lot on my mind." Come on. "The dating has been casual, not too committed where we have to see each other every hour of every day, but we are monogamous. He's seeing no one else, and I'm only seeing him. I've just been so busy. I haven't even been able to come see you and of course, I always want to come see you." She smiles. And satisfaction brought it back.

"Well, you've come to see me now," I say, smiling back. It's so warm. "Do you love him?"

"L... L-love?" She's flustered. It's cute.

"Yes, love. Baechu, do you love him?" For some reason, jealousy doesn't drive my question home and wildly swing it around like the volatile force it is. "Him" doesn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth as it leaves the tip of my tongue, a nice change from the usual. I'm just actually curious. Joohyun is my friend, after all, and it's been so long since the last time I've seen her.

"I don't know. It's only been two months." Two months can feel like forever. I'd know. "I need more time to figure it out."

"Right." It's been a hell of a lot more than two months pining after the beauty before me.

"I think I really might, though. He's so intelligent and caring. He's so easygoing and friendly, and I can tell he likes me very much. Some people might think I'm clueless, but I'm not  _that_  clueless, you know."

 _You're pretty damn clueless, Hyun. Years have passed and you still don't know_.

"He sounds like a good guy," I say sincerely. She likes him so much and is so happy. It makes me happy, though the back of my mind sends a silent plea for help as its true wants are shoved into the closet of repressed feelings for what will be at least a few hours. Irene speaks highly of Sehun, and I can see the sparkle in her eyes as she thinks of him. The love sparkle. If he's gotten it, he probably deserves it. But if he doesn't...

Well, he'll have me to answer to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short update. There will be a trigger warning next chapter. Please be careful. Thank you all for reading! It means a lot to me :)


	4. This is the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-explanatory.

***Trigger Warning***  
**suicide, depression, self-harm**

 

 

 

I was right. He deserved it. Have I met the guy, exactly? No, not yet, but I'm sure he is just as beautiful of a match for Irene as she paints him to be. When she talks to me about him, after I ask, of course (she's still reluctant after the first time, so I have to pry it out of her), her eyes light up. She beams and goes on about how happy he makes her, about how loving he is, how thoughtful, and she never fails to mention his kind smile. This is what I miss out on. She doesn't trust me with this anymore. I have to coax it out of her. Slowly. I feel like I don't know her very well anymore. She probably doesn't even really know me. She just knows him.

Sehun.

What does he have that I don't? Right. A dick. A thing dangling in between the legs to distinguish who you should like from who you shouldn't because that's how God wills it.

It makes me laugh. Life is so cruel, isn't it?

I never asked for this. I never asked to be this way, did I? No, so why me? Questions swirl in my head unanswered. No one can answer these questions but me, I suppose. And I fucking suck at answering questions. I don't get why I'm not normal. I don't get why everyone else gets to go along their merry way while I have to sit here, abnormal and ill from head to toe with this...  _disease_. That's what half the world calls it anyway. 

Disease. Illness.

I don't feel particularly diseased or ill. I feel right in the head. I think I do. At the same time, I know I'm different. My heart beats so fast when I see her, and it's wrong. Fucking wrong. I'm tainted and a scourge of the name Kang. 

I'm a mistake. I'm the lucky one who gets to be this way. But I didn't ask for this.

I didn't fucking ask for this.

I don't know whose idea it was to make me suffer like this. I don't know whose great idea it was for Seulgi to fall in love with her best friend when said best friend could never love her back. Not that way. It just hurts so much. I don't  _feel_  wrong. But it  _is_  wrong. Yeah? All goddamn wrong. In my head. These are all messed up thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, right?

I want to say wrong, but honestly, sometimes I think "right." It does feel wrong and messed up. She's my  _best friend_ , for fuck's sake. 

Why? Huh? Can't I just live normally? Why do I have to suffer like this, day after day?

It's all too much.

When I wake up in the morning, my chest hurts. It hurts and hurts and hurts. It aches so much. My head wants to explode and my body doesn't want to move because what's the fucking point of all this shit? This endless cycle of pain that gets me nowhere except further from Joohyun? Driving me away and away until one day, she'll be nothing but a speck in the distance? Probably off with Sehun. When I get up in the morning, I trudge off and do my daily routine. It's the only thing stable in my life. That's how my mornings go. So exciting. I wake up with all those feelings and go to bed with them just the same. My limbs tense up from time to time, and shivers run down my spine. I freeze up, and my stomach feels on edge, butterflies threatening to burst out and fill my room. They're about to fly out of my mouth. I know they want to. 

Sometimes, I just don't feel like I'm here. But if I'm not here, then where am I?

I don't know.

Sometimes I walk and walk and feel like I'm in a different world. I'm in a bubble shielded from reality while experiencing it just the same. Except nobody sees me. And if they do, I guess they just don't care, or else they wouldn't let me feel this way, be this way. How come when people see me hurting, they let me hurt? Don't they want me to be happy? Don't they?

Some fucking friends they are. All I really have is Joohyun. I don't even know where those friends went.

After a time, they all left. Joohyun was the only one by my side, held by the barest thread that I think will break soon. I always think it'll break soon, and then for some magical reason, it doesn't. I don't know whether this is the one wish God has granted me, to keep my angel by my side, or maybe it's the ultimate cruelty. Keep the one thing I can never have close to me, just out of reach. A constant reminder.

_You'll never have her._

My eyes always hurt from crying, so I don't like to cry. Even if I want to, I usually just feel empty. Hollow. Like a jack-o-lantern, actually. I don't care what face is on because the inside is still the same. I'm still hollow and empty and broken and all scooped of feeling. So, sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I'm not doing much except wasting space and time and air and pitying my sad self.

I'm so pitiful.

I spend my days pining after my best friend. I spend my days pining after  _the_  Bae Joohyun who will never look my way the same way she probably looks at Sehun because she's not programmed that way. I am.

That screwed up genetic programming has me like this. A joke.

What's to be proud of? All these rainbows and shit... Why should I be proud to be a joke? Why should I be proud to be the one thing that will just hurt me? If I wasn't like this then maybe I could get on with my life and just live the way I was meant to. Instead, I'm stuck like this. If I could tell my heart to love someone else, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm not a sick masochist. I don't enjoy the pain, but at the same, maybe I do. After all, why am I still here? Joohyun could've left my side and didn't, but I also could've left hers, yet here I am, glued in place.

If I was gone, I wouldn't have to deal with this. If I disappeared, maybe she could live her life happily without my burden. That's what I am. A burden.

I watch as my skin turns red. My life flows down around the sharpness of the metal that feels cool to the touch. So free. The silver shines in the light and reflects a brightness that reminds me of Joohyun's smile. It's a beautiful smile. Smile, smile, smile. Slice, slice, slice. Everything is wet and sticky. It's all warm even though my body feels cold. Then, suddenly, everything is cold. And as I sink down into the tub, everything is dark. Maybe I can finally sleep. 

I'm too tired for this.

The last thing I remember is hearing my own laughter echo off the walls. It bounces back at me, one last thing rejected by the universe that's continually told me no, taught me no. It's taught me to be obedient, but I don't want to listen anymore. I laugh and laugh and laugh. I think I sound crazy. Just a little. When I look at my face in the mirror, red-rimmed eyes look back at me. I'm a mess. I don't recognize myself.

No one will ever have to recognize me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the literal end. Don't worry.


	5. Awakened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi's awake, and Joohyun is there.

***Trigger Warning*  
implied suicide attempt, self-harm**

 

 

 

This is so fucking depressing. I pine after Joohyun, who pines after Sehun. What kind of sad human being am I?

 

"Seulgi!"

I wake up in Joohyun's arms, tubes attached somewhere to my body. Bandages line my forearms and cover my wrists that will no doubt scar later. Ironic. I wanted to end it all only to awaken with permanent reminders that will never let this die. It's almost nice to feel physical pain that doesn't stem from the heart. My arms feel sore, and my body screams for water. I guess I'm dehydrated. It's been so long since I've been hurt by something other than my heart. It feels great.

Joohyun's face hovers over mine way too close. I swallow hard as her eyes search mine. What she's looking for is something I don't know. Some hair breaks free of the perfect styling and falls down, tickling my face. A strand tickles my nose, and I try my hardest not to sneeze. She doesn't look worried, actually. Not that I expected her to be; She has Sehun. Except, she looks pissed. Hella pissed.

"Ow!" I'm sure my face is turning colors after that slap. I rub raw, red skin with my palm and stare into the heated gaze of one Bae Joohyun.

"Why would you do that?" She shakes me as much as she can without breaking me any more than I've already been broken. "Do you know how scared I was?"

"Ha," I snort. "I'm glad you care."

Joohyun's eyebrows shoot up at my attitude. Can she blame me? I'm in the damn hospital, for God's sake. I've been caught.

"I  _do_  care, thanks," she retorts. She frowns and raises a hand to my forehead before caressing the side of my face. I almost lean into her hand, tempted to kiss her palm.

"That's great, Joohyun." I move away from her touch and face the opposite direction.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Her voice is soft and uncertain as she presses into unknown territory. She's crossed the line that I didn't even know existed. "Seul?"

"There was nothing to tell."

It's her turn to snort. "Are you kidding me, Seul? Are you actually fucking kidding me?"

Hearing her swear is new. She's sworn before, of course, but she usually strays away from profanity. She's too nice for that. Maybe she does care. After all, I've affected her enough to make her say such things. Sehun probably affects her just as much. I bet her mouth says plenty of dirty things to him.

"I would never, Hyun." I'm sure my concise answers are pissing her off now. Her top is about to blow.

"What the absolute shit is this, huh? Don't act all coy. We both know you're here in this godforsaken hospital with bandages all up and down your arms because you tried to kill yourself. _Kill_  yourself. Are you hearing me? You tried to commit fucking suicide!" I flinch back as the tears begin to stream down her porcelain face. I feel just a little sorry for her. Just a little.

"Unnie, I-"

"I thought I'd lost you," she whispers, voice trembling. "I thought I'd lost you forever."

I joke lamely, "I guess it takes more than that to get rid of me." _Regretfully._

"You were so cold," Joohyun says. Her shaking hand takes hold of mine. I can feel her hand steady between my fingers. "You were so... lifeless." I manage to contain my laughter at the ironic comment, but just barely. "There was blood. So much blood. Everywhere. Absolute mess. I... I didn't know what to do. I froze like a deer in headlights, staring at your body as if an exhibit in a museum.  _Don't touch_. Everything in me screamed to go touch you, make sure you're okay,  _something_. But I did nothing. All I did was change the screaming inside to screaming outside, and then I wasn't the only to find you bleeding to death in a bathtub, water flowing up past your neck.  _Past_ your neck, Seul. Were you trying to drown yourself? You slit your wrists and decided to drown yourself on top of that?" Her brow furrowed and her eyes drilled into mine, hoping to find an answer to her unanswerable questions that swam unspoken through her mind with no final destination. "You were really going to disappear like that?"

"It's not like it would've mattered."  _Tell me it would've. That's all I need to hear you say. Tell me you need me._

"You can really say something like that?" The harsh edge to Joohyun's voice has disappeared, and she sounds strained. "Don't say such things."

"It. Wouldn't. Have. Mattered."

"Stop." Joohyun's voice breaks, and my heart with it, but at the same time, I don't care. Why don't I care?"

"Whatever. What's done is done." I finger the thin sheet that covers my body. It's like the same as the sheet that would've covered me if I were dead. How funny. "It's already passed."

Joohyun's grip on my hand tightens. She's about to cut off my circulation. I guess I can finally die properly, right?

"Seulgi-bear," she says softly. "Now, why did you never tell me about this?"

"I already told you. There was no reason to."

She holds up my bandaged arm. "No more of this  _bullshit_ , Seul. Why didn't you ever tell me about this?" She jabs a finger wildly at my cloth covered cuts. "Why, huh? If you'd just old me something, anything, maybe you wouldn't have had to suffer through this alone."

Her words almost give me hope. Almost. "What could you have done, Hyun? Taken the knife from my hand when you cut me deeper than any blade could?"

"What?"

"Nevermind." My tongue has slipped, and I hope she doesn't understand. This is the one time I hope to dear God she doesn't understand.

"I hurt you?"

When I look at her, my mouth just decides to run even though I want it to shut the hell up. God, she can still make me do things after all the shit she's caused.

"You know what? Yeah, you fucking did."

"And you really kept your mouth shut? You have never been one to go so long without blowing your top."

"I don't know. Didn't seem worth talking about."

"I thought I was- am your best friend." I notice her little slip-up.

"You are," I say flatly. "You are my best friend."

Best friend. Nothing more.

"Tell me, Seul. What's on your mind?"

"You ask me to tell you what's on your mind when I barely ever know what's on yours. Let me keep one thing for myself. You already know everything else."

How could I possibly tell her that she's the reason I cry myself to sleep? That I feel numb to the bone, numb to any pain that isn't her? How do I tell my best friend that she's the one who hurts me most? That it's her fault? The answer is that I can't. So I don't. If she really cared, I think she'd pester me further, but now I think she's just afraid to lose me and that if she pressed me, I'd cut her off. I don't think I would've.

"F-fine," she finally says, suppressing a sob. She just sniffles instead. I knew she would be too afraid to ask more. If she truly knew me, then she would've pressed me just that little bit more, cracking me open. After all, I can only resist her for so long.

"Yeah."

We sit in silence for a few minutes. Joohyun just stares at the ground, and I stare at the ceiling. She still holds onto my hand, though she shakes less now. Or at least, that's how it is, until sobs begin to wrack her body, sending wave after wave of tremors through her probably because she realizes she knows less about me than she thought. So she cries and cries, and then cries some more, her tears glistening on my skin.

I stay silent, unspoken words passed from my hand to hers as I squeeze. There is nothing left to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while since I've last posted a chapter, so here one is! The title has a bit of a double meaning if you caught on. I'm so happy that you all have decided to stick by this story. If you want updates, you can follow either my Tumblr or Twitter @sagwalli. Thanks for reading!


	6. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joohyun isn't there when Seulgi needs her, and Seulgi runs into an old friend.

***Trigger Warning***   
**depression, anxiety, panic**

 

 

It's all coming back to me. The memories of the broken household that I call my own. It's all too much.

A while has passed since these thoughts have plagued me. There was a time that I'd wake up thinking about it and fall asleep just the same. Lately, my thoughts have instead been of her. 

Joohyun.

Since my release from the hospital, I've been happier. I guess it took the near loss of me to make Joohyun come back to me again, away from Sehun. I know he's been pestering her to hang out with him. She's been spending so much time with me that he must be jealous. Very funny. We're at odds in our jealousy, aren't we? Two sides, constantly fighting, pulling at the precious treasure that both of us want but will never win. But that's idealistic. We both know I'm fighting a losing battle, and that before long, Joohyun will be back in his arms again, becoming a ghostly presence in my life once again until the next time I land myself in the hospital. 

Or maybe at my funeral.

As I sit, clutching myself shaking, I can only think of her. Where is she when I need her? Where is my friend? Isn't she supposed to always be there for me? I'm always there for her, so where is she now? Instead of her comforting arms wrapped around me, telling me it's okay, I hug myself instead, more so to fight the oncoming cold because I feel no warmth.

Joohyun. Joohyun.

Where are you?

My head spins, and my heart rate skyrockets. I feel like my heart will run away with how fast it's going. It'll zoom off into the distance, leaving me behind for the better. Escape. My hands are clammy, and I rub my fingers along my palms, wicking moisture away with every stroke.

There's nowhere to hide. Screams. Too many screams.

I'm back in my bed, eyes screwed shut, screams coming from the next room. At eleven years old, I lay in my big girl bed, trying to sleep alone. But it's too lonely. I just want the screams to stop. I pull the covers up over my head, trying to convince myself that the sound is muffled just a little. It's not. I try and put headphones in and turn the music up as loud as possible without blasting my eardrums. 

 _It’s alright, I’ll just stay like this_  
Without you  
I can protect this by myself  
I love you  
I’ve never changed, not even for a moment  
I’ll love even the empty seat  
You left behind

I fall asleep to the velvety voices that warm me in their embrace, whispering to me the unspoken message that everything will be okay. Alone is okay.

Except now, alone doesn't feel okay. I've trained myself to rely on people. I rely too much. Now, I know I'm in desperate need of attention, of affection. I need someone. Crave someone. Joohyun. I need her now.

So I realize I rely too much. Too much. Because she's not here, and I can't expect her to be anytime soon. I glance at my phone, still devoid of any notifications with her name. No text replies. Huh. I used to be so comfortable being alone because it was all I ever knew until Joohyun.

Life is so cruel. It gives you a taste of what it's like to be truly happy, not just content, before taking it all away in one fell swoop.

I can't feel my hands, no matter how much I scrape them against my sore thighs. I drum my fingers against my skin, but nothing. Nothing. I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. Too much.

I'm here, but I'm not here. I don't want to be here. But I _am_  here.

I need to get out.

 

"Whoa! Hey, are you okay?" Her concerned voice makes me almost feel cared for. It's nice. She's kind of blurry though.

"Y-yeah" is all I can get out before it all cuts to black. Dark.

 

I'm laying on a couch, surrounded by unfamiliarity. I blink the sleep from my eyes as heavy lids begin to close.

"You're safe, don't worry." A girl comes out with a glass of water held between two hands. She kneels beside me and hands me the drink, which I gulp gratefully. My throat was dry anyway. After finishing the glass, the reality of my situation hits me.

"Who are you? Where am I?" I demand. I shoot up from the couch and wildly look around. I spot the door. It's not too far. Maybe I can-

"I'm not going to hurt you," the girl laughs. Her laugh is not mocking and instead, dances lightly through the air. I close my eyes to hear it better, a reminder of old times. The good and the bad. What? "I'm Seungwan. Son Seungwan."

"Seungwan?" Everything suddenly makes sense, and I lean forward, a mix of fear and adrenaline coursing through my veins before asking, my voice barely above a whisper, "Wannie?"

"Yes," she says softly. She strokes my cheek affectionately, and I instinctively lean into the cup of her palm. "Wannie."

Wannie. A name from the past. You've come back to me? I've missed you.

I need you. So bad.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

It was all my fault. All mine.

"Did you help me? Was it you?" I keep her hand pressed to my cheek. It's so warm and soft.

"Yes, it was me."

"Why? After all that happened?"

"You were the one who left, Seul. I was always here. I couldn't just leave you laying in the street." Wannie smiles sadly and pulls her hand away. She pats my head and ruffles my hair before moving to leave. "Stay as long as you need to. I won't bother you anymore."

My hand shoots out and fingers wrap around her wrist before my mind can catch up. "No. Please. Don't leave me," I beg. "Please."

She looks down into my pleading eyes. I can see her face soften with sympathy and her foot jerks in my direction before stopping. "You... want me to?"

"Yes, yes," I say. Stay. "I don't want to be alone. Not again."

She steps closer and massages my hands consolingly. "Who hurt you, Seul?" she murmurs, rubbing my fingers in between hers before leaning down to press a kiss to my bruised knuckles. "Who did this?"

"Not that kind of hurt." 

Her eyes bore into me, tearing me open. "I know. Who did this?"

"...Joohyun."

"Bae Joohyun?"

"Yes," I say. A tear slips from my eye, and Seungwan wipes it away. "Bae Joohyun."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes."

"What about yourself?"

"You already know the answer."

Seungwan nods, a forlorn expression on her face. She does know. She knows everything would be easier if I was straight. She knows the sleepless nights I've spent, tortured, desperate to rid myself of this stain, this curse. She knows how I wish I could disappear, and how sometimes I feel like I'm not here. She knows how it feels when life keeps going on without you.

"It's still not better?"

"No. I'm not like you." She flinches as I speak. "You know I don't mean it like that."

"Yeah. I do know." Seungwan gets up. This conversation is over. For now. "I'll help you."

"What?" Or not.

"I'll help you. We'll get through this together, Seulgi. You're not walking out on me again, especially when you've landed yourself like this. I didn't realize you'd gotten this bad." She shakes her head disapprovingly. "I should've done something sooner, but-"

"Why are you so nice to me?" I want to cry. After all this time, Seungwan... I know I did this to you. To us.

"Once friends, always friends," Seungwan says simply. She doesn't bother finishing saying whatever it is that I interrupted, and I don't ask. Guess I'll never find out. Seungwan looks as broken as I feel when she speaks again. "Forgive yourself. I already forgave you a long time ago."

"I can't." I feel ashamed saying that.

"Yes, you can, Seul." Wannie's voice is so full of hope as she sits on the other side of the room, head in her hands. She's so far. "Please. For my sake." She already knows that whatever comes out of my mouth will be a life, yet she looks on expectantly anyway.

"Okay. I will."

Easier said than done, am I right?


	7. Warmth Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi's feeling anxious again, so she calls Seungwan. Let the walls fall down just a little.

***Trigger Warning*  
depression, anxiety**

 

 

 

My stomach hurts so much.

It happened so suddenly. Out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it, but at the same time, I never am. God's nice that way. 

I wouldn't call anxiety my friend, but no matter what, it's always there. That's more than I can say for others. Panic lays in the shadow, always present, just not always noticed. More nuanced. Sometimes my stomach hurts, sometimes my stomach fills with butterflies, and sometimes my throat closes up so that I feel like I'm drowning in an invisible sea of sudden worry. My heart likes to beat real fast, speeding way above the usual limit. My body gets jittery. I can't sit still, yet I am paralyzed.

My stomach hurts. So much. I can't remember the last time it hurt this much.

I just want to curl up and pretend I'm not here. I just want it to stop. When the soft music begins playing through my headphones, the only sound I can hear, my heartbeat's sickeningly loud thumps are drowned out. Soothing voices are all I hear. Despite the noise, despite the drum in my chest going silent, I know the drum continues to pound away. I don't need to hear it to feel it. I know it's there. 

I'm not even doing anything, but I'm tired.

"Joohyun," I say to myself. "Joohyun." My text message sends with and I screw my eyes shut, waiting for a reply. I'm desperate, even though I know we haven't talked in, what, a week?

A number of songs later, my phone vibrates. The sudden vibration startles me, making my heart jump, but I regain control of my wits and eagerly unlock my phone to reply to-

Oh. Seungwan.

**Wannie: how are you feeling?**

I almost snort at her impeccable timing. My mind's certainly been taken off things as my fingers fly across the keyboard.

**Seulgi: Please. call me**

**Wannie: you're panicking again, aren't you?**

**Wannie: hold on I'm coming**

She can't come quick enough. When she finally arrives, pulling me into her embrace, I'm relieved. I don't want to be alone. But when I remember it's Seungwan's arms holding me close, her voice telling me it's okay, I can only think of Joohyun.

It makes me feel ashamed.

Seungwan is so kind. So kind. After all this time, she's still here, right by my side when I ask her to be. When I need her to be. She's always had the uncanny knack for reading my mind and just...  _knowing._ How, though, I'll never figure out. It takes one second too long of a dazed look for her to immediately ask what's on my mind. She always asks things, making sure I'm okay. Having the nice mood swings that I do, you'd think I'd snap, but somehow, I don't. Not yet, at least. Whenever she asks, it's never at a bad time. She always asks when there  _is_  something wrong, and she's there for me, prepared to fix it. She's so determined to help me, more determined than me. I don't know how she does it.

But no matter how much time I spend with Seungwan, the unwanted thought of another still lingers in the back of my mind. Seungwan knows there's another in my heart. I know it too, even though I wish, wish,  _wish_  that it wasn't so. I wish my heart was still mine, not taken (or more like given) so that I could hold it in my hands and at least offer Wannie a piece. That's the least I could do. Except I don't have any at all to give her. It's all gone.

I'm using Seungwan. I know I am. I'm using her like the selfish person I am, someone who so blinded by her own love that she can't let an innocent person go. That innocent person inserted herself into my life and refused to leave. I'm grateful, but I keep her by my side because I'm selfish. I think I care for her, I really do, but in the end, aren't I just using her?

Like a toy.

But you can care about a toy, right?

I don't know. I don't know whether I can even call Seungwan a friend. After all we've been through, you'd think I'd be able to, but there's something else. I can never put my finger on it. We're something else. But she's not a substitute, no. She's given me too much to be reduced down to a substitute.

And there is no one who can replace Joohyun.

 

"I'm here, Seul," coos Seungwan as she pulls my limp body towards her. She cradles me like the baby I am, and I close my eyes. This feeling... I feel loved.

"Wannie," I cry, "it hurts. Why does it hurt?" It's a double-edged sword, the question. Why does _what_  hurt? My gaping hole of a heart or my anxiety-filled stomach? My lungs that can't breathe? My head that's driving me insane? They all hurt, but Seungwan knows which one I truly want an answer to. She knows which haunts me.

And so she hesitates and gives me a lacking answer. Something passes in those eyes. "I don't know, Seul."

"Right..." I murmur and grab a fistful of her shirt, but it's not enough. Feeling the warmth of her body close, I want more. "Let me hold you."

"Seulgi-" Seungwan is cut short as I wrap an arm around her waist, and I can hear the sharp intake of breath as her back presses into my front. "Seulgi..."

"Please," I say, pressing my nose to her neck. I breathe her in, and somehow, it's calming. I can pretend that this is what's it's like to love and be in love, even if just for a moment. I grip her side tighter with one hand and her breath hitches again. 

After a hesitant moment, Seungwan relaxes. Some time passes before she speaks again. "Seulgi-ah."

"Yes?"

"If I let you do this..." I can't see Seungwan's face, but I can practically feel her cheeks turn warm. I reach up to graze her face, and she pauses before continuing, "Then I get to do it too..."

I don't understand what she's talking about. She gets to do it too? What's there to do? "Do what?"

"This."

In a flash, I'm on my back, looking up at Seungwan who hovers over me. Her eyes search mine and I think she's about to kiss me when her lips get close to mine for a few seconds too long, but she moves back and straddles my lap. Her thighs drape across mine, and I hold myself back from instinctively reaching out to caress the undoubtedly soft skin I see before me. Seungwan notices and gives a shy smile before carefully taking my hands and placing them on her hips.

"It's okay," she says in response to my previous hesitation. Of course she noticed.

"A-Are you sure?" I ask, my hands itching to feel something beneath them. I don't even wait for a response as I begin trailing my fingers down to her hips before finally reaching exposed skin. I slide my palm down creamy flesh towards her knee before returning back up to where the leg of her shorts end, the fringed denim clinging tight to her body. I can see the curve of her hips and the shape of her waist. She has a nice body.

"You're not the only one, you know," Wannie mentions quietly.

"I don't understand" is all I say as I push myself up until my face hovers by Seungwan's chest. I have one arm slinked around her slim waist and my other arm wraps around her leg, tugging it close.

"Who feels... lonely." Seungwan avoids my gaze, coughing lightly before letting a hand rest on my shoulder. The position we're in is so intimate, so close... So why do I feel so far away? And she's hiding something, I can tell. With all these things she's saying, she isn't telling me what's truly on her mind. "I know how you feel, Seul, so let's just help each other out, okay? As friends."

What? I'm about to tell her she's crazy and ask her what secret she's so desperately clinging onto when she slings her arms around my neck and hugs me. 

"Let's just stay like this," she murmurs. "It feels nice."

I open my mouth to protest, but she's not wrong. It does feel nice. I remember when I used to cuddle Joohyun so closely, but I can't remember when I stopped. It was so long ago. A forgotten memory.

But the warmth of those memories resurfaces, so as I press my face into Seungwan's shirt, I feel okay, and the world doesn't seem so cold after all.


	8. It's All About Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things between Seulgi and Irene are changing. Is it for better, or for worse?

"Hey, Seul," Joohyun says as she sprawls on the bed beside me.

Weeks have passed since my release from the hospital. From when we argued. When I left that hospital room, a reminder of how I'm such a failure that I can't even kill myself properly, Joohyun never brought it up again. She never asked again about me, and I'd rather keep it that way. I don't want to talk about that mess.

But the unspoken topic didn't disappear. It only fell into the dark abyss that runs between me and Joohyun, keeping us from truly knowing what the other thinks. That's just how it's always been, but it feels different now. It's widened, perhaps. And perhaps that's my fault. After all, nearly everything is.

"Hey," I answer, not looking up.

"What do you think of this shirt?" She holds her phone out so I can see the picture of a crop top that would undoubtedly show off her figure.

"It's nice," I say honestly. It is.

Joohyun frowns. "Nice?"

"Yeah? It's nice. You'll look good in it." 

Joohyun relaxes when I say the last part, and she returns her attention back to her phone. "Okay, I"ll get it."

I can see the arch of her back curving down to the small of her back. Joohyun's body is amazing, even if she doesn't think so. Her legs are so shapely and sometimes I have to hold myself back from just squeezing one of her thighs. I ache, wanting nothing more than to be able to touch Joohyun. In a way more than I already do.

Joohyun gives a start and blinks at me, startled, before chuckling. "Handsy?"

"Sometimes," I say nonchalantly as I lay down and pull her body flush against mine. I want her warmth.

"Here," Joohyun instructs, taking one of my hands from her waist and resting it higher. When my fingers brush against the bottom of her breast I instinctively pull back, embarrassed, but Joohyun holds my hand steady and readjusts. My hand sits under her breast, barely touching it, but my cheeks still burn. "You're cuddly today."

"I'm always cuddly," I reply, resting my head against her back. "I just don't always do something about it."

"Why not? Why don't you cuddle me?" Joohyun pouts.

"I have other people I cuddle." I'm half-kidding. When I say "people," I really just mean "person." Seungwan. She's the person. When it comes to Joohyun, I just feel like I'm walking a thin line. It's better to err on the side of caution, and I'm too afraid to push a boundary I didn't even know we had. With Seungwan... Anything is on the table. It's like in her eyes, I can do no wrong, even though we both know I'm very capable of doing wrong. I hurt people. Even if I don't mean to.

"Who?" Joohyun demands. I've piqued her interest. Did it never occur to her I had other friends? "What's his name?"

Oh.

"Seungwan. She's a friend." I quickly add that last part.  _She, Joohyun._ She.

Joohyun doesn't say anything for a moment. "Oh," she says slowly. "Seungwan?"

"Yes. Seungwan." Joohyun knows to drop the subject.

"Do you like cuddling her better than me?" So she chooses to joke instead.

"Nobody compares to you," I half-joke back, continuing this little game. Of course nobody compares to her. "You're Bae Joohyun."

She hums her content, satisfied with my answer. "And don't you forget that."

There's a low thrum in my stomach when she says those words. Are we flirting? It kind of feels like it. But what do I know? I just don't want it to stop.

"What if I do?"

"You don't want to find out."

"Maybe I do."

"Do you?"

I lean in as if about to spill a secret. "Seungwan's more fun to cuddle."

"Hey!" Joohyun turns around to face me and quirks her right eyebrow the way she always instinctively does when she speaks. I love it. "Don't lie to me."

"Maybe I was lying earlier."

"You jokester," she says, pushing my shoulder. "You shouldn't joke about things like that."

"You know why she's a better cuddler?" I ask instead. "She lets me do things." The second that comes out of my mouth it sounds wrong and from Joohyun's hesitation, I think I've screwed everything up when she finally speaks.

"Oh yeah?" she challenges. "Like what?"

Something inside gets the better of me and I pull her onto my lap before sitting up to face her. "This."

Her mouth is open in surprise and she looks away just as Seungwan did that one night. Deja vu. However, Joohyun remains undeterred in her road to victory. She won't let me win. She's too competitive, and maybe I'm in too far over my head. She regains her composure and determinedly looks me in the eye.

"Friends do things like this?" She scoots forward on my lap, slinging arms over my shoulders with her head cocked to the side innocently.

"Some," I say, moving to hold her waist, "do more."

"More?" Joohyun knits her eyebrows together.

The arm around her waist tugs her closer and she lets out a gasp of I think is surprise before falling into me. Next thing I know, my back hits the covers and her breath hits my neck. My face feels hot and I distract myself by looking at the ceiling as I push her off. My best friend Joohyun. We don't say anything, and we don't need to.

Games aren't meant to go so far.

 

Later that night, I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling that I had stared at earlier, and I remember the feeling of Joohyun's body against mine, her breath against my skin. It was so real, but at the same time, it didn't feel like it. 

She'd reciprocated. In that strange way, she had reciprocated.

It every ounce of self-control to still my beating heart. The one that beats for her. This was just another one of those embarrassing instances between friends. Just that. I can't let my hopes get any higher than the low bar I've restricted them to, though I wish the bar would rest at zero. Then I could actually get on with my life instead of living just to live whatever sad storyline awaits me.

I wish I could live because I want to; live the life that makes me feel alive instead of the one that reminds me just how dead I really am on the inside, alive only by default and not by choice.

I laugh at myself. What a twist of events.

I wish I could live. Yes,  _live_. And who would've thought that I'd want to live? That I'd actually want to subject myself to this? Because though I desperately cling onto the last shred of hope that is so close to slipping through my fingers, is it enough? I don't want to live like this. I want to live for more.

But I don't know what to do, so when something on my bedside table catches my eye, I shake off the lingering feeling of Joohyun on my skin and reach, reaching for something bigger than the sketchbook that finds itself in my hands.

_Please, Seulgi. Please?_

_I can't. I don't even remember what it's like._

_Then you better start trying._

It's blank. The paper flips against my thumb as I finger through page after page. All blank.

So I pick up my pencil, and I begin to draw. It's never too late to try.

 

 _Will anyone ever love me?_ That's a question I ask myself all the time. I'm just so lonely. I have Seungwan and Joohyun. Sort of. Well, I have Seungwan. But even Seungwan is busy sometimes. She can't be there for me 24/7 like a babysitter, and that's fair. I can't expect more from her when she already does so much. I'm still lonely though. It's like Seungwan comes and holds me in her arms and the second she leaves, I'm back to my pathetically apathetic state: feeling nothing, yet everything.

Who could love someone like me? Broken. Needy. Oh, god, I'm needy. 

I'm like a baby. I know. And it hurts to know.

Burdensome.

Why am I such a child? Why do I cry like a baby needing milk; needing love from a mother when it will never come?

I don't want to think about it.

 

"These are..." Seungwan carefully turns another page, peeking at the next drawing. "Just wow, Seulgi. Wow. I don't know what else to say."

"Then give them back."

"No!" Seungwan quickly exclaims, pulling away from my outstretched hand. She quickly flattens some raised hair against her scalp in an attempt to recompose and speaks again in a quieter tone that hides none of the excitement that she tries so desperately to hide. "These are amazing."

"That's something else to say." I raise an eyebrow.

Seungwan rolls her eyes and a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. "You're really talented, you know."

"I do." I shrug nonchalantly though my heart swells with pride. I had harnessed all my feelings and thrown them onto those pages. Glad to know it worked.

"Since when did you become so cocky?"

"I don't know," I admit. It's a new development.

Seungwan leans forward to give me a hug. "I've missed it."

"Me too."

 

"You're different."

"Am I?"

"Yeah, you really are." She scoots closer to examine me thoroughly. I feel naked under her heated gaze, and not in the way I wish I could.

"Well, nothing's changed."

"Something has." She sounds almost bitter as she frowns, trying to put a finger on it. Finally, she relents and returns to where she originally sat, giving me a smile. "It's a good change, though."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really," she says. "I like it."

Her words hit me in all the wrong ways, so I say coolly, "Glad you do."

Joohyun bites her lip. "Ah."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay." I hand her a controller. The red one. "Now let me kick your butt in Mario Kart."

Her eyes glint with a hint of satisfaction. "Not if I kick yours first."

It's been at least an hour, and she turns to me, mouth open to speak. Princess Peach zooms around the track on her side, automatically cruising with the breeze of a win behind her as my Yoshi finally crosses the checkered line. I sigh, watching as we press through the next few screens that add together the points of our teams. I try averting my eyes from the atrocious score difference, but I catch a glimpse of it anyway. Another sigh. Then, instead of pumping a fist or excitedly bouncing like she normally does, Joohyun starts saying whatever it is that's been hanging off the tip of her tongue since the start of this game.

"Is it Seungwan?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is she the difference?" Joohyun asks it so seriously that I don't know what she expects me to say.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. Why are you being so secretive about it?" Joohyun's not about to back down.

I run a hand through my hair, trying to calm down. Great. So the one time I _don't_ want her to notice something, she notices. Why couldn't she have noticed the other things in my life?

"I'm not being secretive." I've already dug myself into a hole, anyway.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Dodging the question."

"Okay. Then what's your question?"

"Is the difference Seungwan?"

I hesitate too long for any ensuing answer to be at all believable. "Yeah. She's been really good to me."

"What is she?" Joohyun asks. How does she expect me to respond to a question like that? What is she thinking?

"What do you mean?" I ask back. She's asking such strange questions.

"What is she to you?" The question sounds almost rhetorical when she says it like that. "Is she..."

"What, Joohyun? What?" I sound impatient as she looks for words.

"Is she your best friend?" Joohyun's voice is so small I could cup it in one palm and need to view it under a magnifying glass.

"What kind of question is that?" is what I almost ask without thinking, but I manage to hold my tongue. Luckily. Instead, I state plainly, "No. She's not," and I don't know whether I'm lying. I don't know whether Joohyun thinks I'm lying. But if she does, she lets herself relish in my surface-level words.

"So it's still me?" Joohyun sounds so hopeful that I want to grab her hands with mine and reassure her with everything I have that it's her, that she's my best friend. But at the same time, I don't. I don't want to. "I'm your best friend?"

"Yes, but you're right. Seungwan is the difference." I can already see the pain I cause with the last sentence, words I can't take back.

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah."

"Well, it's good to see you doing so well now."

"I'm doing okay."

"No, really. I'm serious, Seul. You've changed a lot. For the better."

 _Well, I'm glad it's not for worse._  "I've found a way to lift the burden as much as I can," I reply, reluctantly handing over that information. She knows what burden I'm talking about. Is there any use in telling her? There can't be any harm, right?

That's what I like to think. I want so desperately for her to somehow, I don't know, be jealous. I want her to be the difference. I want it to be _her_. But she's not, and Seungwan is. My friend, Seungwan, who I can never be grateful enough for. She's given me the world, and all I can do is grovel at her feet for more as I run to Joohyun and then come crawling back, tail between my legs, with no reason for me to be so afraid because where I expect to find anger or something that mirrors the darkness inside me, I find only forgiveness. Tinged with sadness, forgiveness is all I find. It's all I need.

"How?" This question comes with less heat than the previous few, more curious than... whatever it was before.

"I draw."

I find myself unwillingly spilling out every answer she desires. But do I even want to stop?

"May I see?" Joohyun asks in a soft tone, not wanting to overstep her bounds, but little does she know that she could step all she wants and the boundaries would conform to her. Not the other way around.

I let her question hang in the air as I get up.

"Wait, come back," Joohyun says suddenly. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to-"

"Here." I hand her the sketchbook that I've guarded with my life. Only Seungwan has seen it.

"Really...?"

"Are you going to look at it or not?"

"Yes, yes, I will." Joohyun quickly begins looking at picture after picture. Her face softens, and she looks at me with a question burning in her eyes. She doesn't ask it, and I don't think I want to know what it is. She does say something, commenting on the drawings after flipping through half. "These are beautiful."

I thank her half-heartedly. I don't really know what I expected to come out of showing her my drawings. I've given her this insight into my mind, the insight she's so carefully hidden her desire for since the hospital incident. It seems so long ago.

"May I ask what this one means?" She's being very careful with her words. I sit back down beside her, sitting as close as possible before placing a hand down behind her to keep myself up as I lean over, head close to her shoulder, pointing at the sketch with my other hand.

"Do you see this here?" I trace the walls that have been so angrily shaded black but also lightly penciled gray. "These walls... These walls keep her closed in. The walls are actually so thin, but if you're inside the room, can you tell?" Joohyun slowly shakes her head from side to side. "Exactly. The door is open, but she isn't looking, so how would she know? All she can do is sit there, so trapped within herself and this room yet not seeing that the chance she so desires, to begin anew, is right before her eyes. She just needs to look for it."

Joohyun looks at me so tenderly. She gives me the gentlest of hugs, and I try so hard to not cry as a million feelings slam back into me with the force of the waves that erode the shore. My weathered heart can't take it, not even as Joohyun tries to hold it carefully in her hands. Because no matter how hard she tries, a small fragment will break under her light touch, because that small, loving brush is all it takes for me to crumble again.

I take the sketchbook from her hands. "I hope that answered your question."

"It did. Thank you."

I hear the sincerity in her voice, and I feel grateful. I feel grateful that she appreciates what I have poured my heart into, and I am hopeful, hopeful that maybe she can understand just a little better. At the same time, I don't know if I'm ready for her to.

Before she leaves, she hugs me again and in a quiet whisper, says, "I'm happy for you."

 

I sit alone, and I take the sketchbook back out. I reach the page that Joohyun had asked about, and I look at it. I don't know how much time has passed when I finally press my fingertips to the hunched figure whose face remains hidden. I move my fingertips to the wall and carefully smudge some of the shading. It looked a little uneven. Finally, I lay on my back and hold the picture above my face.

I've let Joohyun see my prized possession. I've let her in, and I've let her see into me, right? I've always hoped for her to do what I've wanted her to, hoped for her to do this or that and she's never come through. She's never been able to see right through me the way Seungwan has even though, in my opinion, it's not that hard to; I'm only human.

So I lay there, and I wonder.

Does Joohyun know the girl I drew is not me, but her?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi has not just randomly been cured of depression or anything like that. She has instead found a way to relieve herself of the burden that is her feelings. She's let them build up and even though Seungwan is there for her, Seungwan can't do everything. Art is a way for Seulgi to let herself loose, and she has found refuge in her drawings, so she is now happier. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading. All of your kind comments and kudos are appreciated, and I hope you look forward to the next update!


	9. Am I Selfish?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi and Wendy get into a fight, prompting Seulgi to reflect on some things.

Joohyun thinks she knows me. She thinks she knows this and that. She thinks I'm the mysterious one who tries to keep secrets. Can't she see it's the exact opposite?

I'm always running in circles, thinking I've got her figured out when really, she's one step ahead.

She says she cares, says we're best friends, and next thing you know, she's off frolicking with Sehun nearly every hour of the day. I'm not even sure that she sleeps. What happened to besties?

I guess I'm only there when it's convenient. But I kind of don't care. As long as she needs me.

She's put up all these walls, and she thinks things are something that they aren't. She's done this to herself. She keeps herself trapped. She doesn't open up. Doesn't she realize I'm here for her? She gets so caught up in herself that she can't even realize what's happening with me. It's not even that hard to understand me. You need only to try. If Seungwan can do it, Joohyun can, because I know Joohyun. She is smart.

She is smart and kind and loving and beautiful. She can do it. All she has to do is lift her head and take a good look at what's in front of her.

My everything is hers. She need only ask.

 

Wendy slaps me across the face, and I raise a hand to my cheek, feeling the warmth. As I touch my reddening skin and meet her eyes with mine, I can see the flush of her own cheeks and the quiver of her rosy, slightly parted lips. Something changes and she averts her gaze to the uninteresting ground, looking anywhere that isn't me, isn't failure. 

Failure. I'm failure.

The silence that sits between us grows louder and roars in my ears as an unrelenting wave. It waits above me, slowly coming closer, before crashing down and suffocating me more than the world already does. It's cold and strong and heavy and it sends me to my knees. I kneel before Wendy, never taking my eyes away from hers. She's still looking elsewhere, chewing her lip and fiddling with the ring on her finger. The shiny gleam of the gold flakes that sit within the dark, resin band shines and sparkles, taunting me. _You lose, Seulgi. You lose._

Yeah, I lose. What do I lose?

"I'm sorry, Seul," Wendy finally says, still failing to look into the eyes of someone who trusted her, someone who placed their broken heart into her unworthy hands. She looks just past me and speaks again. "Seulgi. I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Seulgi."

"I said I know."

"But-"

"Seungwan," I say, closing my eyes. "I said, I know."

This is where it will all end again. This is it. Because I let it.

I know that it doesn't take much for me to say something, to stop this before it's too late, but I'm selfish. I'm always selfish, always have been. And I haven't learned a thing.

This is where I forgive Seungwan and beg her forgiveness in turn, because I'm the one who should be saying sorry. She has done nothing but love and give and give and love. All I have done is take. Now there is nothing left to take, and she has run out of love to give. Our time has come.

"Have fun with her."

"Don't do this, Seulgi. Don't."

Finally, I bring myself to apologize. I feel the sincere words build up in my throat, begging for release. I turn to look at her.

"I'm sorry."

And that's all I say before I leave her; our positions switched, with me on my feet and her on her knees, face in her hands.

Maybe I'll see her again, and maybe I won't. But I'm too caught up in myself to care because I'm selfish like that. I'm selfish.

 

Arrogance is interesting, isn't it? It inflates makes your head grow twice the size with how many compliments you have shoved up there for yourself. All the time, you waltz around secretly thinking that those you lay eyes on you should be bowing and kissing your feet. You are better than them. They are less than you.

I used to think that selfishness and arrogance went hand-in-hand. But if I'm being selfish, then where is my arrogance? If I were arrogant, at least I wouldn't be bumbling around always desperate to jump off the nearest cliff. At least I'd find some self-worth.

I'm being ditched, left behind, all for love.

Joy... What is so great about Joy? Seungwan is leaving me for Joy. Wendy has found herself a Joy. Wendy has less time for me. Traitor. She knows I am like this, yet she goes and does what she knows what not to do.

But I am so hypocritical. I sound so stupid right now, don't I? If I were in her position, wouldn't I leave her side as soon as Joohyun so much as whispered against my skin? 

 _No, no, I wouldn't. I'm a good person_.

Lies. All lies.

I'm disgusting and awful. I'm horrible. I sit here, feeling angry and so confused and torn up over the happiness of my savior; the one who took me in. Why can't I just be happy for her? Caught up in my own affairs... am I really so blind?

Wendy deserves happiness. Wendy deserves to find someone. Instead of receiving congratulations and support, endless support, she has instead come away with one less friend. I've severed ties once again. But it's for the better. She deserves better.

She deserves Joy.

 

When do you know to be selfish?

I want myself to be happy, but I want others to be happy. So who gets to be happy?

I still don't know.

 

Wendy. Wendy. 

How could I let you go so easily? How?

Why did you let me?

My own selfishness is why I talked to you the way I did, but please understand. Please understand. You're all I have. You can't leave me too.

But you did. Yeah, you did. You left me. You're leaving me. For her. For Joy.

What does she have that I don't? Are you not content just having friends? Having me?

Is it because I can't kiss you or hold you the way she does?

I can't be her. I can't kiss you. No, I can't. But why can't you be okay just having me?

I've gotten okay just having you. You're all I need, and now you're gone. Who do I have left?

How come I always need to give up my happiness for others? When is it Seulgi time? I'm the one who keeps the feelings bottled inside, I'm the one who suffers. I'm the one who no one cares about, who everyone takes advantage of.

But that's not true. No. Wendy, oh, Wendy. I'll be selfless for you. You're the one you kept it bottled inside. You're the one who showed me that there are people who are so selfless that they give everything just for one smile. My smile. It's gone. 

Please come back. Won't you come back? Please?

I will give it up for you. Happiness. Everything. You gave me everything, so I will do the same. You matter most. Just please come back.

Joohyun, please?

I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Come back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I'm finally back with an update, albeit a very short one. I know this chapter might come off a little strange, so please bear with the somewhat lack of plot or action. I might come back to edit this chapter, but I just really wanted to put this kind of stuff into the story. Also, please don't kill me. Things are not as they seem.


	10. Me, Myself, an

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi reflects about Seungwan, has a sudden outburst in front of Irene, and tries to fight whatever it is that's tearing her up inside.

***Trigger Warning*  
** **depression, sadness, loneliness, reference to suicide**

 

 

 

Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm not here. Not that anyone cares, anyway. I spend my days laying on my bed, waiting for someone to call, waiting for someone to respond. I think I've been lonely for so long that it's almost comforting. In a weird way. It's comforting knowing that I'm still here and that there are still possibilities. I try and be grateful for what I have in my life and be grateful that I don't have it off worse. Someone always has it off worse.

I'm just so lonely.

I feel so isolated and when I reach my hand out to grab back onto reality it slips further from my grasp as I fall back into my own world where only I exist. I don't really know what to do. I'm left alone, once again... Not that I expected anything different. Everyone always leaves. Always.

But Seungwan came back. She did. She came back.

Back!

Now she's gone. Again. Because of me.

Everything is because of me. Everyone leaves because of me. They have no reason to stay.

My fault.

 

With Wendy gone, all I have is Joohyun, but not even her.

Why hasn't she come to see me? Why hasn't she texted?

It's been two weeks, which isn't even that long, but it feels like an eternity. I just want to see Joohyun.

Her long hair, shining eyes, pink lips... I miss it all. I miss her.

She's like a drug. A dumb comparison, I know, but what else can I compare her to? I can call her the world, the stars, the universe. She is all of it. She is just that amazing and just... I don't know. I can't get enough. I just want more. If she's a drug, then am I going through withdrawal? Two weeks without her. Two weeks clean. Two weeks of feeling empty in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. I need her.

I hear her voice, so soft and sweet, calling to me. Saying my name. My name sounds so pretty rolling off her tongue... Have I always had a nice name?

I feel her hands, hot against my skin, and I burn. I need more, want more, and I will never get more.

"Seulgi."

My eyes shoot open to see her standing above me, hands on my half-covered shoulders, my top slipping down. Curse that top.

"Joohyun..."

"Why haven't you been texting me?" Her arms are crossed and she stands still, staring me down. Her eyes soften as she tilts her head. "Seulgi?"

"You're here... You're really here..."

None of this feels real. Why doesn't this feel real? I see her before me, an angel, so pretty, but I feel so far away. I feel like I'm seeing her on the other side of a wall of glass. Everything is there, just out of reach.

"Yes? Seulgi, are you okay? Seul- Hey!" Her hand flies out to grab my wrist. "Answer me." Has she always been so... forward?

"I'm okay now..."

Apparently, I'm a liar, because my body is on fire and I'm surging forward, not even knowing what I'm trying to do, crashing. Crashing and burning.

"Seulgi. Seulgi-ah. Yah, Kang Seulgi!" Small hands slam into my chest, and the air escapes my lungs in one go. "Seulgi?"

I don't even want to think about what I was trying to do. "Yeah?"

"Won't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

"Are you sure?" She intertwines her fingers with mine. Her hands are warm.

"Of course I'm sure. Don't worry about me."

"Okay," she murmurs, arms hugging my waist with her face too close. 

"Why are you here?" I asked tentatively. Why  _is_  she here? With me, of all people?

"What do you mean? I came to see you, silly!" Her tone loses the caution and instead turns on the charm.

"Oh."

"D-did you not want me to?" She frowns. "Is that why you haven't been answering?"

"Answering?"

"Your phone."

"You didn't call."

She gives me a strange look, doubt etched into the crinkle of her brow. "I  _did_ , actually. And texted."

"What?" I think my voice comes out as more of a hoarse whisper with how ridiculous I feel, all discombobulated. I find my phone in the corner of my room where I'd thrown it out of frustration earlier. I brush off some dust, ignoring the crack in the back of some off-brand phone case as I scroll through my messages.

Sure enough, there's a notification. Several, actually. 

Twenty to be exact.

Texts begin swirling across my screen as I see that Joohyun made use of the many different options for how to deliver messages. I can hear her yelling in my head when one text, growing large on the screen, is scolding me for my lack of response.

_You're worrying me!_

_Hey!_

_Kang Seulgi!_

_Pick up!_

There's a lot of exclamation points.

"See?" Joohyun triumphantly jabs at my screen, the texts still floating around. "Told you."

I chuckle at how proud she is. Maybe I'm a little proud too. "You really came to check up on me?"

"Well, yeah. What do you mean?"

This isn't the Joohyun I know, who used to leave me alone to my own devices. She never really pried into my life and while showing up at my house didn't really count towards prying, I guess it's kind of nice to feel like someone cares. She has always... cared. She has. Just never like this.

She was usually off with her newest boy toy.

"Why aren't you with Sehun?" I sound harsh. Accusatory.

"Can't I just come see you?"

"Seriously."

Joohyun chews her lip and drops her hands to her sides. She takes a step forward and then back again, rocking on her heels, and I know she's taking too long to tell me she was telling the truth. "He... canceled," she confesses. Ah. "But you know I like seeing you, Seulgi! He just already made plans with me, and I couldn't say no, and then he canceled. Plus, you weren't responding to anything I sent you."  _Because it's all fake_. "So I had to come see you. Make sure you're okay."

Far from it.

My mouth opens and closes, gaping like a fish. I don't even know how to respond. Maybe I shouldn't be so mad. Should I be mad? I feel kind of mad. But I don't want to be mad.

It feels like I'm fighting a battle I can't win when I feel the words begin to come, begin to flow, and I just come out and say it because fuck it, I  _am_  mad. 

I'm fucking mad.

"Why can't you come see because you  _want_  to? Because you miss me and  _are my friend_  and just want to hang out? How come you only want to hang out with your boyfriend?"

It all comes out in a rush and when Joohyun's face freezes in an expression of shock I sort of realize what I just said. Only sort of. 

"Why do I only see you when he's unavailable? Is it because you'd rather hang out with him but he's busy so you come crawling back to your old  _best friend_  Seulgi who might still be there, pining, waiting for you to come back after ditching her for a boy you only met several months ago? You come back because you think no matter what I'll still be here for you?  _Just like you're always here for me_?"

She flinches at that but hesitates only slightly touch my shoulder, hugging me from the back.

"Hey," she whispers. "Seulgi."

"Once again I'm the second choice."

"Seulgi."

"What do you want from me, Hyunnie? What do you want me to do?" I run my thumb over the skin of her arms wrapped around me. "It hurts..."

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier, Seul? I love you,"  _as a friend_ , "and I want you to be happy. You know you can always talk to me."

"I'm sorry," I mumble. I'm done letting feelings dictate what I say, and I just want to escape her locked stare that has been trapped like a deer in headlights. "I'm sorry."

"What? For what?"

"For yelling at you."

She pauses for a moment. "You don't ever need to be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. For not noticing and leaving you like this... I'll make more time for you, I will. I will."

"Really?"

She nods as she says, "Of course." She pats my cheek affectionately. "I love you."

I laugh on the inside. Right. Love. "I love you, too."

And just like that, my outburst is over.

 

I sit on my bed, and I cry. I cry, and cry, and cry. Why am I like this? The tears fall down my face and my vision blurs. I taste the salty tears as they drip onto my chapped lips. I go on for what seems like an eternity when suddenly, I stop. I sniffle and wipe my face. When I look in the mirror, I see my reddened eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Several spots on my sweatshirt are dark in color where my tears have landed.

One, two, three, four...

A lot. Ha.

I plug my headphones into my laptop and search for some 8D music to listen to. I don't know what is it about it, but even though 8D audio sounds like you're in a big space, full of emptiness, I feel strangely comforted. I think the sound makes me feel smaller and more with myself, but I don't know. There's something about it. I take my blanket and throw it over myself, creating a dark cave where only I exist with my fears and my demons.

I alone face them; I alone see them. But that's how it should be.

These are  _my_  problems, not anyone else's. Only I can solve them, fix them, and save me.

Save myself from I guess. I'm my own worst enemy. Of course.

The music drowns out the heartbeat that had hammered in my ears, reminding me of my own mortality. Imagine if, so long ago, it had worked. Suicide. I would be gone, and life would go on, but the problems would remain, passed on to those around me. My mess would become theirs; a burden they didn't ask for. You'd think that your problems would die with you, but they really won't. Everything shifts.

I inhale, and I exhale. Slow deep breaths fill my lungs and will my heart to calm itself, though my heart, of course, does not comply. Instead, my chest feels full of anticipation. I feel full of unknown, unknowing. There's something out there that I'm expecting and I don't even know what it is. But I feel it.

I keep breathing, steady, ignoring the erratic beat of my heat and opting to focus only on the music and my breaths.

In, out. In, out.

Every exhale is a release. Stress, anything, whatever, released.

At the same time, I know that it all stays close by, waiting to pounce again. Temporary release is all this is, but really, it's all I need right now, so I'll take it.

I don't care what's happening tomorrow, I don't care what happened yesterday, and I sure as hell don't care about anyone else.

But I do. 

Even if I tell myself I don't, even if at the moment I feel like I don't, I know I do. I can't help it.

That's why I'm my own worst enemy, right?

This constant battle of back and forth... It's so tiring. I don't understand it, but maybe I don't try hard enough to.

Fighting the unfightable forever and forever. Lashing out at something that might not even be there, screaming into the empty void that is my own mind; a trap I've set for myself and walked right into with no way out.

Or maybe there is a way? Escape?

No, not escape. Defeat, but it's not me who lays defeated; it's the darkness inside. It's this... This  _cloud_. Whatever it is that's been following me, that's what it is. That's what's defeated. Conquered.

Conquer your demons. Don't let them fight back...

But I _am_ my own demon. And I don't know how to fight that.


End file.
